Relational Sensitivity Distress (RSD): a kinder way to understand big feelings
- Tania Rose
- Oct 18
- 5 min read
What is Relational Sensitivity Distress (RSD) ?
I’m using the term Relational Sensitivity Distress (RSD) as a friendlier, more accurate way to describe what many people might call “rejection-sensitive dysphoria”. RSD, in this sense, isn’t a diagnosis. It’s a real experience that many neurodivergent people (autistic, ADHD, AuDHD, dyslexic, dyspraxic, etc.) might know well: a strong, often sudden wave of emotional pain when something feels off in a relationship (person, work or even in an interaction with someone we don't know). There could be a sense of being ignored, criticised, excluded, or we might even just sense a change in tone or timing.
RSD is your body’s alarm system saying, “This relationship or situation matters, and something here feels risky.” That doesn’t make you “too sensitive.” It means your system is tuned to tiny social changes, and that sensitivity could be a strength when we learn how to work with it.
How it might show up
Relational Sensitivity Distress (RSD) can look different from person to person, and from day to day:
In the body: tight chest, stomach drop, heat, shaking, shallow breathing, urge to hide or escape, feeling like crying, or a sense of doom
In thoughts: racing mind, “I’ve messed this up,” black-and-white thinking, a flood of questioning thoughts, or going completely blank
In behaviour: apologising a lot, "people-pleasing", the urge to explain a lot, cutting someone off quickly, raising one's voice or expressing oneself angrily, or avoiding replies
In timing: sometimes the feelings hit later, perhaps hours or days after the conversation, when your brain catches up
None of this makes you broken. It means you are sensitive to connection, and your nervous system is trying to keep you safe.
Why this reframe helps
Calling it Relational Sensitivity Distress shifts the focus from “rejection” (which can sound a bit like being blamed) to the broader truth: we react to uncertainty, mismatch, or threat in all kinds of relationships...especially in a world that often misunderstands neurodivergent communication. The goal of reframing isn’t to silence your feelings or thoughts; it’s to understand them and respond with self-care and self compassion.
A quick map for when RSD hits
Notice. “My chest is tight and I want to hide. This is my RSD signal.”
Name and normalise. “This makes sense. I care about this relationship/situation.”
Slow down internally and maybe make movement. Take a moment, connect with your breathing, step outside, sip water, hold or stim with a comforting object, change posture, do something physical to discharge.
Choose one next step. Do you need time, clarity, comfort or something else first? Pick one.
Return later. When feeling less activated, decide whether you’ll ask a question, explain an experience, set a boundary, or work to discover a way to feel relief.
Turning an RSD experience into a radical self-care opportunity
Radical self-care is not indulgent. It’s how we protect our energy and dignity. RSD becomes a signal that can help you care for yourself in more effective ways.
Consider these approaches:
1) Make communication clearer
Agree on response windows with close people (e.g., “If you’re busy, send a quick ‘Got your message. I'll reply later’”)
Use helpful subject lines (e.g., “FYI only. No reply needed” or “Quick decision by Friday?”)
End chats with micro-closures (e.g., “All good for now,” or “No action needed.”
Why it helps: Less uncertainty means fewer alarms going off.
2) Create buffers for your nervous system
Leave 5–10 minutes between meetings or messages to reset.
Use short body resets: look out a window, stretch, hold something weighted, breathe in for 4, out for 6.
Keep an exit line ready (e.g., “I need a moment. Let’s pick this up in 10 minutes.”
Why it helps: Your body calms faster than your thoughts. Give it the lead.
3) Check the story gently
Move from “They hate me” to observations: “Their message was short and late.”
Hold three possible reasons: one painful, one neutral, one kind.
Practise a light clarification: “Checking my last message landed... no rush.”
Why it helps: RSD can narrow our thinking. Gentle curiosity widens the view.
4) Choose safe people and safe settings
Spend time with high-clarity people: those who communicate simply and kindly.
Meet in low-sensory spaces where your system has more room to breathe.
Work with your coach or therapist to explore your experiences and create strategies.
Let trusted people know your RSD plan so they can support you.
Why it helps: The right people and places reduce the load before it builds.
5) Use a personal RSD plan
Keep a one-page note (phone or card) with:
Early signs you notice (e.g., jaw tightness, urge to fix everything).
Three fast downshifts that work for you.
Two scripts (one for asking for clarity, one for taking a break).
One ally you can message for a quick reality check.
Why it helps: Decisions are hard when you’re flooded. Plans make them smaller.
Everyday scripts
Whilst some neurodivergent individuals feel inauthentic using scripts, for others, scripting can be a helpful tool to lessen cognitive load and provide opportunities and space in a situation. Here are some examples of scripting that might prove useful:
Clarity: “I’m not sure I understood. Can you say what you need from me by when?”
Boundary: “I want to give this the attention it deserves. I’ll reply tomorrow.”
Repair: “I value our relationship. A phrase from earlier stuck with me. Can we revisit it for a few minutes?”
Capacity: “I’m low on bandwidth today. A short reply is best.”
A note about power and safety
RSD can feel bigger in workplaces or relationships where there’s a power imbalance or unclear rules. Where possible, ask for expectations in writing, regular check-ins, and clear feedback. If you can, keep brief written summaries after meetings (“Here’s my understanding of next steps”). This might help protect your energy and reduce guesswork.
Self-compassion that actually changes things
Self-compassion is more than kind mantras. It’s permission to act kindly toward yourself. Try this three-step check:
Empathy: “Of course this hurts. Connection matters to me.”
Choice: “What would help most right now...time, clarity, or comfort?”
Action: Take the smallest step (two minutes of quiet, one clarifying text, or closing the laptop).
When self-compassion leads to different choices (more rest, clearer asks, gentler pacing) you’ll feel the difference.
Final thoughts
Relational Sensitivity Distress doesn’t make you weak. It means your system is finely tuned to connection and engagement with others. With clearer communication, kinder pacing, and small protective structures, RSD can become a guide rather than a trap. You’re allowed to ask for clarity, to take your time, and to choose relationships that choose you back. Sensitivity isn’t something to apologise for; it’s something to honour and organise, so you can live, love, and work with a feeling of a steadier ground under your feet.
